Consistency - blech.

Last post I discussed a worksheet I've used with some success during anxiety attacks - the 3 C's: Catch It! Check It! Change It!

Apparently I have much more to say on the subject.

Tip: A good way to practice using any therapeutic tool so that it becomes more second nature, is to use it for more minor causes of anxiety in your life, or smaller emotions, minor crises, or even mild discomfort, as this allows you to the explore how you use the tool in a less fraught situation. This is an excellent way to practice so you are ready when the fraughted-ness arrives.

Consistent Use and the Lack of a Magic Pill - Reality Bites
The worksheet I discussed in my last post, (and the version I've linked to above), or any similar type of exercise or tool,  will not instantly eliminate your "negative" emotions completely or stop you from having anxiety ever again.  Or even right now.

There is no magic pill or magic wand or hocus-pocus that will fix me, or cure my mental illness. (I know.  I've checked.)  But used regularly and consistently, these type of exercises have been shown to assist in decreasing anxiety levels over time, as you practice objectively viewing your thoughts and emotions and consistently replacing them with more neutral, realistic thinking (notice I don't say "happy" thinking. More on that another time.)

And I know it works in the long haul, cuz hey, here I am!  I'm not perfect, but I've sure as hell come a long way. When your worst day now is equivalent to your best day a year ago, you know you've come a long way, baby.

It's hard.  Coming back from a breakdown, surviving this illness, is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Practice is required for any type of therapy to assist over the long term (sorry!).  Long term use of this type of tool has been shown to lower anxiety levels if used consistently and regularly.  This means for me that I do it 2 to 3 times a week, or more often if I need it.  and I promise you, it gets quicker and easier over time (except for those times when it doesn't), and ideally you'll start to do it automatically, and internally, when your experiencing intense emotions.

In this way, it will assist in the cognitive restructuring of those affected neural pathways, so over time you're less and less likely to go down the rabbit hole.

The frustrating suckage that is Consistency.
You may be frustrated while using this tool.  Because this type of therapy (or any therapy, really) requires consistency over weeks and months to work.  You've had a lifetime to develop this illness - it's not going to go away in a few weeks.  (If it does, you are extremely lucky.  And I hate you.).

Consistency, like a diet or a new workout, gets difficult when you reach the point where the initial excitement and motivation of doing something new has worn off, but the "behavior becoming a habit" part of things hasn't kicked in yet  It sucks when that happens.   Because all of a sudden, hey, wait a minute, this is WORK.

And that's not even getting into how much motivation you don't have with a mental illness.

The other part that sucks is that the tools I discuss in this blog are to be used as needed for the rest of my life.  I have a lifelong medical history of mental illness.  I will not be cured.   But I can get better at managing the anxiety that is there and the meltdowns that happen, so that the crazy highs and lows start to even out a little, and I bounce back a little quicker, and everything is slightly  less catastrophic. And maybe I can breathe.

For example, I can now sometimes stand in front of my dishwasher with only a very mild sense of impending doom.  At least until I open it.

The other frustrating suckage is the actual doing of the exercise. It does not come easily at first, seeing thoughts and feelings with some level of objectivity.  And it's a lot of writing. And I do not magically feel better afterwards.

Wait, why were we doing this again?

Oh yeah - as I said in my last post, recovery is WORK.

What matters is that you keep going.  Not how well you do, not how many times you didn't use the worksheet, or that your anxiety or mental illness won that day.  You pick yourself up, or stay on the ground if you need to, but keep going.  The nice thing about moments is that they pass.  No matter how awful and horrible those moments are, they pass. No matter what your head tells you about you being the exception to the space-time continuum and this is going to last FOREVER.

Buying in and fusion - Or why my brain is a big fat liar.
It's when you believe your brain telling you that you're stuck, that this feeling will never end - that's what  gets us into trouble.  When you fuse with the fear, when you buy into it, when you believe those thoughts, then it's all bad. But here's the thing - you can believe all the thoughts you have (and we have something ridiculous like 64,000 a day), but that doesn't make them true.

I can truly, desperately believe I am a banana, but (and I find this a little sad) it doesn't make me a banana.  So, I can believe I am a failure (or a banana), that I am useless, that I will always feel this way.  Doesn't mean any of it's true, or real.  The trick is getting through those times you're in fusion with all the thoughts and emotions, and you really do believe how you feel in that moment is how you will always feel, and there is no hope, and you have no power.  Getting through, living through it, is success.

If you stayed in bed all day and cried, and thought about dying, and you're still here at the end of the day, that means you got through it.  Moments pass.  And they will eventually get less horrible.  You will even one day enjoy yourself again.  (Just not today. But today will pass, and you will come out the other side. Promise.)


So.

Be well.  You will get through this.  You've got this.

And how you're feeling? Me too.