So, gratitude.

Today I was grateful to read this article:

http://findingjoy.net/i-forgot-how-to-be-the-happy-mom/

What it comes down to? Being a mom is hard.  And a lot of times it isn't fun.  And yet you adore your children, and therefore feel horrible guilt and have days when you feel like your failing everything.  But you're not.  It's incredibly reassuring to find out that other mothers feel this way - the comments alone tell you how desperately alone mothers regularly feel.  It made me feel better and less alone to read it, and reminded me of the second thing I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful to Cynthia to staying open to me as a friend (she's the one who posted the article), even after all the time I've taken off our friendship, because being with people somehow became too much work.  It makes me miss her.  We used to be best friends.  To Dorothy as well, for the same reasons - one of the ones who called me on my disappearing in their lives, and stuck by me anyways.

And I'm grateful today that I said to hell with the dishes and left over supper, and just played with and enjoyed my son.  I miss that.  The dedicated time to him. I can still take joy in my little guy, although I often have to remind myself to do it.  And I have to remind myself that my husband needs and wants my attention, and a little looking after as well.  We should alternate days, or something.  Today is mommy's day for extra attention, tomorrow is daddy's day for extra attention..

Working from home is hard, and will be made harder tomorrow when my son stays home with me for the morning - THAT should be interesting.  The woman who can't multitask, completely stressed out.  I need a plan - work for 20 minutes, play for 10.  Something like that.  Because the idea of my 3 year old leaving me alone for 20 minutes at a time is laughable.

So far I haven't started being mindful during the day of creating moments to be grateful for, but I suppose writing only every two weeks is a bit on the non-consistent side...

My husband is careful with me.  I'm glad for that too, because most of the time I feel like I might shatter.  And he's not a careful guy with anyone - it is amazing to be loved like this.

Sometimes I want to bash him over the head with one of our cast-iron pots, but man, does he love me.

I need to work on the feeling of panicky trappedness in my life, which apparently many other moms have. Maybe I really need to talk to other moms more.  And then that will give me something else to be grateful for.

Blah.  My writing iss not gut, tonight.  But I'm grateful I'm capable of realizing it!

Cheers,

J